Eat to live

Warning: This briefly mentions children and pornography.

 

Notes: Thanks to the many people who have helped me with this, especially, Kati (Karen), Romanse, Dusty and Susan.

 

 

“Ez? Do you want some pizza?” Nathan asked as the undercover agent wandered into the office.

 

“No, thank you. I’m not particularly hungry since I enjoyed a rather large breakfast this morning,” Ezra replied with a small, grateful, but guilty-looking smile.

 

The medic watched the man walk away from him and he frowned in concern. Ezra usually ate more than any of them, although none of it seemed to add any inches to his waistline. He was envied by his fellow team-mates because of that fact. The man was always thin, Nathan thought, but right now he was too thin.

 

Nathan had to admit he was very worried about his friend's welfare. He thought back over the past couple of weeks when he'd noticed that not all seemed to be well with the man. It was Ezra’s behavior more than anything that had triggered his curiosity. The undercover agent had become very cagey around the times when was eating, and he’d started a fitness regime that most Olympic athletes wouldn’t contemplate. Although he had a very healthy appetite, the excessive exercising was negating the food’s effects.

 

Nathan was reminded of the first time that his curiosity had been roused. The seven men had been on a weekend conference and had stayed overnight. Ezra had insisted on having a room to himself. He usually bunked in with Buck and JD when they were away as a group, but he’d been very insistent about arrangements and had become rather aggressive when questioned about it. Buck had cheekily asked if he was going to be entertaining a young lady and Ezra had jumped down his throat, not seeing the funny side at all. That was totally out of character for the usually happy agent. He always liked to spend time with his friends, so for him to opt for solitude was very unusual.

 

When Nathan had gone to Ezra’s room during the stay to invite him for a poker game, the undercover agent had behaved very oddly. He hadn’t allowed Nathan access to his room, but when Nathan had caught a glimpse inside, he’d seen that the man was in the middle of a meal. That was very strange because the seven men had just eaten together in the hotel’s restaurant. Nathan had made no comment at the time, but it had set his mind racing.

 

All-in-all, events weren’t adding up to the medic’s liking. Nathan had taken to watching Ezra closely during meals and the time around them since then, and he had come to a rather upsetting conclusion. Now he just had to prove it once and for all.

 

Nathan was shaken from his thoughts when Josiah hurried into the office and picked up a slice of pizza from the box and began eating it ravenously. Nathan surreptitiously beckoned his friend into the conference room and turned to face the curious profiler once he’d closed the door.

 

“Josiah? Have you noticed anything odd with Ezra’s eating habits recently?”

 

“Well, I can’t say I’ve been watching him - too busy enjoying my own meals, son.” Josiah shrugged and did a bit of thinking on the subject. “He’s usually poking something into his mouth. Quite often it’s chocolate.” The profiler shrugged again and looked at his friend curiously when he detected the worried tone. “Why?”

 

Nathan, in turn, shrugged. He’d turned various possible illnesses over in his mind, but he’d now become totally obsessed with one conclusion. “He don’t look well to my eye. Although he eats normally, or too well on occasion, it don’t seem to be doing him much good at the moment. He’s real skinny. Worse than normal, I reckon. You have to agree that the amount of running and exercising he’s doing isn’t natural either. He doesn’t need to lose weight or keep fit to that extent.”

 

“You think there’s a problem?” Josiah asked anxiously as he stopped chewing and wiped his mouth.

 

Nathan shrugged yet again. “I don’t know for sure, but something ain’t right with him and I aim to find out what. I’ve been keeping an eye on him recently and his behavior patterns point to something that I don’t even want to contemplate.” Why didn’t I do something earlier? I’m supposed to take care of their health, he chastised himself.

 

“Well, I’ll watch him too and see what I think. Tell me what you’re thinking is wrong,” Josiah prodded gently.

 

“An eating disorder.”

 

Josiah looked at him in disbelief. “Are you sure? Maybe it’s something else that’s wrong,” the profiler said, not thinking that Nathan could possibly be correct.

 

“I don’t think so. I’ve had some experience of eating disorders. Rain’s friend suffered from bulimia and Ez is acting in the same way. I’ve thought of other things it could be but I keep coming back to that option every time.”

 

Josiah nodded unhappily. “Then you need to speak to Chris about this as soon as possible, Nathan. If there is a problem it needs to be caught now before it really gets outta hand.”

 

“Yes, I know. Shoulda acted much sooner than this as it is.”

 

The two men went back outside to the main office to join the rest of their team-mates. Nathan saw Chris walk to his own office and close the door, so the medic put down his half-eaten slice of pizza on his desk and went to see him. He knocked on the door and went in when he was beckoned through.

 

“Nate? What’s up?” the blond asked distractedly as he shuffled pieces of paper into a file.

 

The medic sat in the chair opposite Chris when asked to do so but he didn’t settle on the seat, just perching on the edge anxiously. “I’m a bit worried about Ezra. You noticed anything odd with him lately?”

 

“Odd? In what way?” Chris asked curiously as he studied the man’s posture. He knew there was trouble on the horizon just by looking at his friend. Nathan needn’t have said a word because it was that obvious by the way he was sitting.

 

“His eating habits.”

 

Chris frowned deeply but stayed silent for a few minutes before shrugging. He didn’t quite know what Nathan was expecting him to say. “He ate okay the other night when we were at Vin’s. Jeez, he even finished the scraps from Buck and Josiah’s plates. What’s this about, Nate?”

 

“I don’t know, but I have a few suspicions and I admit to being real worried.”

 

The blond nodded although Nathan still hadn’t explained what was going on. “You want me to talk to him? See if there’s anything bothering him?” he asked, to try and get the medic to open up.

 

Nathan knew he had to come clean. He’d come to see the blond because of his concerns after all, so he should voice them, not suddenly become cagey. “No, but can we maybe arrange a meal out, so I can kinda watch him? I need to study him real close, but I’m leaning toward the thought that he has an eating disorder of some sort. Things I’ve seen in how he’s acting point to that but I could be totally wrong. There are other things it could be with the symptoms I’m observing, though, but I’m sure I’m right. I’ve never actually asked him if everything was all right, or if I could help. You know him, though, he probably wouldn’t tell me anyway.”

 

Chris put out a placating hand. “Is it that he doesn’t eat enough, or what? Tell me what you mean exactly, Nate.”

 

“It’s not the fact that he doesn’t eat, or doesn’t eat enough, it’s more that he eats too much sometimes, like at Vin’s. Oh, hell, I can’t explain it, Chris.” Nathan paused and took a few seconds to gather his thoughts. “There’s something else. When he’s eaten, he always disappears to the restroom within an hour or so. I can’t tell what he does at home, but when we spend time together this seems to be the pattern. I think he’s purging… you know, deliberately making himself sick. The fact that he seems to be training for a marathon is another sign. He’s never overexerted himself in the past when he’s got into jogging, but he’s going to the extreme now.”

 

Chris frowned again, his worry building. Nathan was well known for spotting the tiniest warning signs and getting the correct diagnosis. “But why would he?” the blond asked in confusion.

 

“That’s what we need to find out, if he is having trouble,” Nathan said quietly. “I may be totally wrong, but I reckon he’s suffering from bulimia.”

 

Chris felt like he’d been punched. That diagnosis was the last thing he’d been expecting. “Shit. Okay, I’ll arrange a celebratory meal of some sort to make it a plausible excuse for a get together,” he promised, stunned.

 

Nathan nodded and stood up to leave, glad to have got his fears out in the open.

 

Chris watched him go and couldn’t help being very concerned about what he’d just been told. He just couldn’t believe it. Surely Nathan couldn’t be right this time.

 

********************************************

Ezra sighed as his stomach began tying itself in knots again. He stared in despair at the packages of biscuits and potato chips that he’d just consumed. He’d only just eaten a big meal and now he’d snacked to excess on top of it. The familiar feelings of guilt surfaced and a lump in the pit of his stomach made itself known. He swallowed and took a deep breath before standing and hurrying along to the bathroom.

 

Images of a child with big blue eyes, who was crying pitifully, assaulted him. He closed his eyes against the memories but that only seemed to make them clearer. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and put his fingers quickly down his throat. Tears stung his eyes and he gagged as the entire contents of his stomach were expelled over the course of the next five minutes.

 

*******************************************

 

Two days later, the seven men met up to celebrate the successful end to the last case they’d been working on. They’d ordered a table at The Saloon and by 7.30pm everyone was there. The atmosphere in the bar was the usual noisy cacophony of talking, music and laughter and Chris hoped Ezra would be relaxed and unsuspecting.

 

Ezra ate the meal with his friends and consumed a good bit more than anyone else. He joined in their conversation amiably enough and seemed to be his normal boisterous, funny self. His six companions ordered more beers, but he declined the offer with a wave of his hands.

 

“I’m rather sticky. I’ll just wash up and then head home,” Ezra said with a goodbye nod as he stood and went to the restroom quickly. He knew he wouldn’t be able to last till he got home to throw up. He usually tried to delay things until he was on his own, but today for some reason he couldn’t. The feelings of guilt were already upon him and he had to act. Unbeknown to his friends, Ezra had already had a large meal at home before he’d joined them so he had a large amount of food to expel.

 

Chris watched him leave and thought he’d looked rather pale and strained all of a sudden. He looked at Nathan and the blond nodded imperceptibly. The medic rose and followed Ezra slowly so that the man couldn’t see him coming.

 

Buck turned and watched the medic for a while before facing Chris again and raising a questioning eyebrow. “What you two up to? You planning a joke on Ez?” he asked in amusement.

 

“No,” Chris replied shortly, not elaborating. He wiped his eyes and then lit a cigarette which he smoked anxiously. He tilted his head back and blew out a large cloud of smoke into the air above him and watched it disperse.

 

The group’s drinks arrived at that point and they each took possession of their favourite beverage and took a sip, Nathan’s beer being placed in front of his empty chair.

 

“What then?” Chris’s best friend asked curiously, not wanting to be left out if there was fun on the horizon. He wouldn’t let up until he’d heard exactly what was going on.

 

Chris knew that, and it angered him. “Just leave it, Buck, okay?” the blond snapped as he tapped the ash off his cigarette.

 

Buck frowned, sensing that Chris was worried. “Is something wrong, pard? Is Ezra okay?” he asked as he looked over his shoulder toward the restroom curiously.

 

Chris just shrugged, giving in. “Don’t know yet.” He knew he owed his friends an explanation, but he wished that the circumstances had arisen differently. Being in the middle of a crowded bar wasn’t his idea of the perfect place to drop his bombshell.

 

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Buck asked, sounding angry. “Come on, man. Talk to me.”

 

Chris sighed. “Nate thinks Ez has some kind of eating disorder. He’s just checking up on him now to confirm things.”

 

Buck looked over his shoulder again in concern. He couldn’t believe what he’d just been told, but he had to admit that his friend hadn’t looked well recently. “Jesus, when did all this blow up?”

 

“Couple of days ago, but Nate thinks it’s been going on for some time.”

 

“Jesus Christ.”

 

**************************************

 

Nathan entered the restroom almost silently. It seemed empty except, on closer inspection, one stall door was closed. The medic stood quietly just inside the room and listened intently. He eventually heard the sound of someone throwing up and he sighed unhappily. He moved to stand opposite the occupied stall and waited patiently for its occupant to emerge.

 

The door finally opened and Ezra stopped dead when he saw Nathan standing there with arms crossed. The undercover agent still had a tissue held to his mouth and he looked shocked at finding his friend there. The man quickly wiped his fingers and then stood still awkwardly as if not knowing what to do next.

 

The medic looked him up and down and saw the two dusty patches on Ezra’s pants near his knees. That told him all he needed to know. Ezra had been kneeling on the floor throwing up. Nathan pursed his lips and said softly, “I think we need to talk, don’t you?”

 

“Why?” Ezra asked, pulling himself together. He put the tissue in his pocket and rearranged his pants as if all he’d been doing was peeing.

 

“You have an eating disorder.”

 

“What? How preposterous. They’re for the females of our species,” the undercover agent stated as he pushed past the medic.

 

“No, they ain’t, and you know it,” the medic said as he shook his head. “You were making yourself sick just now – that’s bulimia,” Nathan said as he indicated the toilet.

 

“No, something I ate upset me,” Ezra stated as he washed his hands and dried them.

 

“Bullshit, Ez. I’ve put two and two together.”

 

The undercover agent turned toward Nathan angrily and stood within inches of him. “And made five, I think you’ll find. You should damned well mind your own business. What you see isn’t necessarily what you think.”

 

“I know the signs, Ez. Let me help you,” Nathan said as he held the man’s gaze unwaveringly. The fact that Ezra was protesting so much only made Nathan more convinced that he was right.

 

“I don’t need your help. There’s nothing wrong, except an upset stomach,” Ezra replied as he looked away, knowing his eyes would betray him. He backed up a couple of steps and looked ready to leave. Nathan’s next words stopped him, though.

“Well, it seems that you get an upset stomach after each meal. As I said, I’ve noticed a few things, but I stupidly didn’t take notice of them until now. Every time you eat, you visit the bathroom soon after and puke it up.”

 

“Rubbish,” Ezra said quietly, eyes downcast.

 

Nathan took a step forward and placed a concerned hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Please don’t shut me out. I’m worried about you.”

 

“There’s no need,” Ezra replied, feeling his eyes burn with tears. He raised a hand to his face and tried to hide his distress from Nathan.

 

Nathan’s heart jumped at the sight. Ezra very rarely gave into his emotions, so for him to do so meant trouble ahead.

 

“I think there is,” he said gently as he rubbed the man’s back. “You look sick, Ez, and until I’m convinced that you are medically fit, I’m gonna recommend that you stand down from the team.”

 

“No,” Ezra said in anguish as he dropped his hand back to his side. Unshed tears shone in his eyes and he blinked rapidly to try and get them to disappear.

 

“Chris will back me up in this. He knows of my concerns,” Nathan said forcefully, letting Ezra know that he wasn’t going to drop the subject.

 

The undercover agent seemed to capitulate. He knew Nathan wouldn’t give up now that he had the bit between his teeth. More denial would only make matters worse.

 

Ezra felt trapped and panicked and he began looking for a means of escape. He felt sick and shivery and he hiccupped as if he was going to start crying in earnest. He turned away and leaned on the nearest sink so that Nathan couldn’t see his face.

 

The medic squeezed his shoulder in comfort. “It’ll be all right, Ez. Let me take you home. Wait here and I’ll go tell Chris that we’re leaving.”

 

Nathan hoped Ezra would stay put until his return. The medic walked briskly to his friends’ table and squatted down next to Chris, not realizing that he’d told the rest of the men what was going on.

 

“I’m gonna take Ezra home with me now,” he whispered.

 

Chris nodded and turned so that no one else could hear what was said. Even though they all knew what was going on, he wanted this first contact to be private. “Okay. I’ll call round later. Is he all right? Was he sick?”

 

Nathan shrugged. “Yes, he was, but I can’t say if he’s all right just yet, Chris. He’s denying everything but I know I’m right. He was real close to tears, and you know what that means when Ez allows anyone to see his innermost feelings. I admit that I’m real worried about him, Chris. I’m gonna try and get him to open up, but I can’t guarantee that he’ll talk to me right now. He’s scared, I reckon.”

 

“I had to tell the others about what’s going on, but I’ll try to keep them from visiting, except for maybe Josiah. I’ll see you later, Nate.”

 

The medic nodded and went back to the restroom, collected Ezra and herded him outside. He drove him back to his own house and took him inside.

 

“Chris?” Vin said once Nathan had gone. He’d tried to distinguish what the two men had been saying, but he’d been able to tell from the look on Nathan’s face alone that all was not well with Ezra.

 

“Nate’s taken Ezra home with him. Just leave them to it, okay? I don’t want anyone else interfering until we know exactly what’s going on, except you, Josiah. I’ll keep the rest of you up to date.”

 

“Sure.”

 

The men finished their drinks in silence and then headed home, their evening ending on a somewhat sour note.

 

***********************************

 

Nathan took Ezra inside his house and settled him in the living room. He collected a glass of water for his friend and waited patiently while he drank it.

 

“I want you to stay with me for the moment, Ez. I think we need to have a proper talk first.”

 

“We already did,” Ezra mumbled as he tried to keep his emotions under control.

 

In the car on the way, he’d been embarrassed to suddenly start crying. Tears had streamed down his face uncontrollably as he’d sobbed loud and hard. He’d turned so that Nathan couldn’t see him cry, and he’d felt ashamed and frightened by his lack of control. Nathan hadn’t said anything at the time but had just patted his knee in comfort.

 

“No, we didn’t, so don’t even think of moving from that couch,” the medic ordered seriously.

 

Ezra stayed sitting but wouldn’t look at his companion, not even when he sat beside him. The undercover agent kept fiddling non-stop with the glass in his hand until Nathan reached out and took it away gently. Ezra’s fingers then latched onto the loose material of his pant leg and started twisting that instead. Nathan sighed as he watched the restless digits for a while. He finally put out his hand and laid it over the top of Ezra’s appendage and halted the movement.

 

“Ezra? Look at me,” the medic ordered softly as he squeezed Ezra’s hand in encouragement.

 

A full minute passed before the green eyes raised and shifted in Nathan’s direction.

 

“That’s better, Ez. Now tell me, when did you start puking up your food?”

 

Ezra’s gaze dropped immediately again. “I never have.”

 

“Ezra,” Nathan said in exasperation. “Come on, don’t lie to me. We’ve already been through this. How long has it been going on?”

 

Ezra shrugged as he wiped a slow hand over his mouth. “A while,” he admitted as he began to tremble. “It’s not always that I make myself sick. Sometimes I just think myself sick as well, if you can understand that.”

 

Nathan moved his hand and placed it on Ezra’s back. He rubbed the area between his friend’s shoulder blades with gentle circular movements to try and keep the man calm.

 

“Why did you start? Why do you do it?”

 

Ezra shook his head and then sighed. He knew he couldn’t go on the way he was and he was secretly pleased that Nathan had discovered his secret. He decided to be honest, feeling a real need to confide in someone.

 

“Combination of things but the last straw was the Kilburn case. The things I saw…I felt guilty for walking away unscathed. Some of those children suffered so much and I couldn’t help them. I had to partake in what was done to them and it broke my heart.” Ezra sobbed and raised a hand to his face again.

 

The Kilburn case had been a particularly difficult case for all of them, but for Ezra it had been pure torture. It had involved children and pornography. Ezra had never really talked about what he’d been through. He’d had counseling, but he hadn’t felt able to talk to the rest of his colleagues about it. His report to Chris had been the bare bones, leaving out everything that the undercover agent couldn’t face discussing.

 

Nathan gave Ezra’s shoulder a squeeze. He could see that his friend was in the depths of despair and he vowed to do all he could to help. “It’s okay, Ez. Take your time. Tell me as much, or as little, as you want.”

 

“Can’t.”

 

“That’s all right. That’s just fine. Can you just tell me what in particular made you start puking?”

 

Ezra hiccupped and wiped his eyes on a handkerchief after blowing his nose. “I was just supposed to carry on when it was over. I couldn’t. I felt guilty and I needed to punish myself for the sins I committed,” Ezra said.

 

“Can you tell me what you had to do? I need to understand what’s really upsetting you.”

 

Ezra shook his head and didn’t speak, couldn’t speak.

 

The medic decided to try and cajole an answer from his friend. “Well, I obviously know what the case was about. Was it that you yourself had to hurt the children in some way?”

 

Ezra shook his head negatively and hiccupped.

 

Nathan was definitely glad to get that answer. He knew that Ezra would never have lived with himself if he’d had to physically hurt a child in any way. “Okay, was it that you just couldn’t bear to see what was being done to them?” Nathan asked gently.

 

Ezra finally nodded and began to speak quietly. “Seeing those children every day, and seeing what they were made to endure during filming for the sake of pedophiles made me so sick. I’d never witnessed anything like it before and I had to pretend I was enjoying it. I only ever watched proceedings but that was more than I could bear. To hear the children crying in distress and there was nothing I could do to help them. I sinned so badly.” Ezra sobbed and began to cry heartbreakingly.

 

Nathan drew him into his arms and held him tight against his chest until he’d stopped. “You didn’t sin, Ez. You were doing your job. A hard job, too.” He pulled the man upright. “Tell me what else you felt at the time, what you’re feeling now.”

 

Ezra squirmed and stayed silent for a while. “I don’t know. I can’t put it into words. All I do know is that the Kilburn case took over every aspect of my being and I still can’t shake free of it. Everything’s a mess. I’m stumbling through the days blindly, and I can’t even remember what I’ve done.”

 

“You should have come to me and told me all this before now. I’m sorry I didn’t notice that there was something wrong.”

 

Ezra remained silent and sobbed into his handkerchief for a while longer.

 

Nathan let him settle and then started his questioning again. He kept a hand on the man’s back throughout it all. “Why do you think it was specifically your eating habits that you started messing around with? You could have started missing work, arriving later than normal, calling in sick, instead. Why eating and exercising? Can you think about that and tell me?” Nathan asked, wanting to get all the details of Ezra’s problems.

 

Ezra sighed and took a few moments to contemplate the question. He wasn’t very good at analyzing his innermost thoughts. Finally he shrugged. “The cases I work on I have no control over whatsoever, and after the Kilburn case I couldn’t bear that constant uncertainty anymore. I suppose that I chose to alter my eating and exercise habits because I felt I would at least have some control over one part of my life. I now see that I have no real control over that either. It is now controlling me instead. I suppose that eating was a private thing that I could do when I needed to, to punish myself. If I’d started calling in sick it would have been public. Does that make sense?”

 

“Yes, it does, Ez.” Nathan could feel his own emotions getting the better of him after hearing what Ezra had said. “I’m so sorry, Ez. I know that the Kilburn case was real tough and we didn’t wanna push you about it at the time. You shoulda told us that the counseling you had wasn’t any help, though.” Nathan patted Ezra’s back. “You have to try and think of the fact that you helped to stop that gang’s activities in the end. You must remember that, Ez. You did good, and you couldn’t blow your cover by helping those kids sooner. If you had, none of them woulda been saved.”

 

“I know, but it doesn’t alleviate the guilt about watching them lose their dignity.” Ezra shrugged. “I haven’t slept much since and I can’t concentrate on anything else.”

 

“We’ll get you some help. Something better this time.”

 

Ezra wriggled in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry to be a burden to you yet again, Mr. Jackson. You must get sick of the sight of me.”

 

“Hey, that’s enough of that kinda talk, Ez. You ain’t a burden and never have been one. We’re friends, and friends help each other out,” Nathan said forcefully as he patted Ezra’s knee gently.

 

Ezra nodded as he sniffed and felt his eyes filling with tears again. Nathan felt his heart tighten at the sight and he took a deep breath as he pushed his own feelings to the back of his mind. He couldn’t give into them yet - not when his friend needed him so desperately.

 

“Let me get you something to help you sleep. Seems like you’ve got a lot of rest to catch up on.” Nathan stood and went to the kitchen. He leaned against the sink and bowed his head. He took a few seconds to compose himself and then went back with another drink and some pills. “There ya go. The spare room’s already made up, so you go up to bed, but call if you need anything.” Nathan picked some fruit out of a nearby basket and handed them over as he said, “Now, eat these before you go.”

 

Ezra peeled the banana slowly and sat looking at it for a while as he clenched his jaw. He eventually took a bite and chewed it, his mouth tingling with sensations as he did so. He finally managed to force the food down and threw the skin in the nearby waste basket.

 

“Thank you,” Ezra said as he stood and wiped his hands on his handkerchief. He smiled sadly at Nathan and then set off upstairs.

 

Nathan sat on the couch and put his head in his hands. He chastised himself for not sorting out Ezra’s problems before now. The man had been suffering for months on his own. Two more undercover cases had been completed in the meantime, and the medic now knew that Ezra hadn’t really been up to doing them.

 

There was a knock at the front door so Nathan rose wearily and went to answer it. As expected, he found Chris on the doorstep. He showed his boss through to the living room and invited him to sit down. The two men sat side by side on the couch both feeling tense.

 

“Nate? Anything?” the blond asked anxiously, seeing how strained his friend looked. Something had obviously happened and he wanted to know what. He reached out an anxious hand and put it on the man’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah, it seems the Kilburn case was what really set him off, although there’re other causes, too.” Nathan told Chris what Ezra had said.

 

Chris sighed. “Damn. Why didn’t the counseling help after the Kilburn case?”

 

Nathan shook his head unhappily and shrugged. “I don’t know. I also don’t know how he’s coped all this time on his own. He’s damned near breaking point.”

 

“Can you do anything to help him now?”

 

“Hopefully. Now he’s admitted his problem and the reason for it, he’s already taken the first step toward recovery, but it’s gonna be real hard for him.”

 

Chris nodded in understanding and stood up. “Keep me informed about how he’s getting on. I don’t wanna see him at work for the next few days. Take some time to try and get this sorted out.”

 

“It’s gonna take longer than a few days.”

 

“I know, but what I meant was get him the help he needs. The last thing he should be doing is adding to his stress levels by coming to work,” the blond explained.

 

Nathan nodded gratefully. “I agree. I’ll get him an appointment at the hospital with the eating disorders counselor and see if that helps. I’m out of my depth already.”

 

“You did good, Nate, to have figured out what was wrong. You’ve got nothing to blame yourself for,” Chris said forcefully, knowing that the medic took any ailments as a personal failure.

 

“Just wish I’d helped him sooner.”

 

Chris patted the man’s back, realizing that it would take more than a few words from him to make Nathan feel better. He just needed to see Ezra recover, that was the only thing that would improve his mood. The blond smiled and left the two men to get on together.

 

**********************************

 

Ezra went downstairs the next morning. He’d slept quite well all things considered. Maybe unburdening himself had eased some of his pain, and the medication had certainly helped.

 

“Hey, Ez. Sleep okay?” Nathan asked kindly as soon as he saw his friend.

 

Ezra nodded as he shuffled into the room. He had borrowed some of Nathan's pajamas and they were a bit too large for him. The sleeves and legs were longer than his limbs and he looked rather childlike in them. “Bit better, thank you,” he said as he hoisted up a sleeve and then rubbed his eyes wearily.

 

“What do you want for breakfast?”

 

“I’m not really very hungry,” the undercover agent said as he shook his head and sighed.

 

“You should have something. How about a bagel and a cup of tea?”

 

Ezra shrugged and then rubbed his stomach. He then irritably rolled up the sleeves and legs on the pajamas so he could function a bit better.

 

Nathan placed the food and drink in front of Ezra and then sat beside him. Ezra reached out and clasped the mug. He took a tentative sip and then clenched his jaw, the sight of the food on its own making him feel sick. After staring at the bagel for a while he finally ate a small piece of it. He chewed it laboriously and swallowed with difficulty.

 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled as he stood and turned to head to the bathroom, hand over mouth.

 

Nathan bowed his head as his heart seemed to stop beating. Ezra had kept down the fruit he’d had last night. Nathan had listened for hours in the darkness for sounds of Ezra being sick, but he’d been pleased not to hear a sound. Things had changed again today, though, but this time the sickness was caused by unhappiness rather than deliberate purging.

 

He stood and walked along to the bathroom. “Ez? Can I come in?”

 

The medic heard no words; just the sounds of retching. He pushed open the door and stepped inside. Ezra was bending over the sink throwing up the remaining contents of his stomach, which wasn’t much. Most of what came up was bile.

 

The undercover agent's state of mind was now plunging the depths of despair. He realized how difficult it was going to be to recover from his current illness. He didn't know if he would have the strength to break free from the nightmare that his life had become.

 

Nathan moved to stand beside the man and placed a gentle hand on his back. He didn’t know what to say, so he stayed quiet and just kept rubbing Ezra’s back firmly. Finally Ezra stopped heaving, feeling weak and shivery. He filled a glass with water and washed his mouth round before spitting the water out.

 

“Come on, into the living room with you,” Nathan said as he guided his friend along the hallway and down the stairs.

 

He eased Ezra down onto the couch. The undercover agent was now crying quietly as his body shook uncontrollably. Nathan sat beside him and put his arm around his shoulder. He pulled the upset man toward him and held him until he quieted. It was like holding a vulnerable child in his arms and he treated the man with the utmost care.

 

The medic heard a key in the lock and knew one of his friends had arrived. Chris had told the rest of the men about Ezra’s admissions the previous night and it had been decided to send Josiah to talk to the upset agent.

 

As expected, the profiler appeared in the doorway.

 

“Hey, Josiah,” Nathan greeted quietly as he looked up from where he tenderly held his other friend.

 

“I’ll wait in the kitchen,” Josiah said when he saw that Ezra was upset.

 

The undercover agent by now had exhausted himself, so Nathan decided to let the man catch up on some more sleep. He lay his friend down and collected a thick, soft blanket. Even before he had covered the man, Ezra was asleep.

 

Nathan met up with Josiah and made some coffee for them to drink while they talked. The medic concentrated solely on the task at hand as he tried to control his own emotions. Seeing a friend in distress was hard to handle and he’d only just managed to retain his composure.

 

“How’s he getting on?” the profiler asked quietly when he saw how upset Nathan was.

 

Nathan shrugged and wiped his eyes. He placed a mug of coffee in front of Josiah and sat down opposite him. “He said he slept okay, but he puked up his breakfast and he’s just cried himself to sleep. He’s real depressed and it’s affecting his eating. Sometimes it’s his anxiety that makes him sick, but with the purging he physically makes himself sick, either by putting a finger down his throat or drinking something to cause vomiting. Mustard and water’s a good one for that, I think.” Nathan sighed. “There’s always the laxative method, too. Dammit, I wish I’d helped him sooner.”

 

Josiah narrowed his eyes when he heard the self-rebuke in Nathan’s tone. He sat up and said forcefully but with understanding, “You’re helping him now, and that’s all that matters. He knows he can trust us and that we’ll be with him for the long haul.”

 

“Yes, but I’ll make sure I tell him again. He gets real insecure at times like this. His troubles just seem to keep multiplying, don't they?” Nathan said quietly.

 

***********************************

 

Ezra woke several hours later to find that Nathan and Josiah were sitting watching over him. The undercover agent struggled into an upright position and rubbed his eyes. Josiah nodded to Nathan, so the medic rose quietly and left the room.

 

Josiah moved to sit next to Ezra and he took a few seconds to really study the troubled man. “Hello, son. Called Vin earlier and he wanted you to know that all the boys are thinking of you.”

 

Ezra nodded, but didn’t speak. He felt like a new species being studied. The scrutiny he was under was rather hard to cope with.

 

Josiah sighed and got down to business. “How ya feeling, son?”

 

Ezra shrugged and fidgeted on the couch unhappily.

 

The profiler watched Ezra’s body language and saw that the man was almost curling into a protective ball. He knew it was no good pushing him to talk at the moment. He didn’t want to force the man to talk when he was obviously in such a bad way.

 

“Chris wants you to go and stay on the ranch with him, but what do you want?” he said instead.

 

“I want to get better,” Ezra whispered simply, “but I don’t know how.”

 

The profiler nodded at the answer as his throat closed up in upset. He took a moment to settle as he put his arm round Ezra’s shoulder. “We’ll do all we can to make sure you recover, no matter how long it takes. Who do you want to stay with through that time, though? We don’t want you on your own, son.”

 

Ezra stayed silent as he contemplated his options. It was kind of Chris to offer him a place to stay but if he was continually having to come to town for appointments it would all add to his stress levels. It just wasn’t practical so he discounted that choice, although he had to admit that he did enjoy staying on the ranch. Shame. Next he thought of Vin. The sharpshooter only had a small apartment and during the past year, Ezra had spent quite a lot of time staying with the man while he’d been recovering from a bad injury. He didn’t want to outstay his welcome so he discounted him, too. Next he thought of Nathan. The medic was in a serious relationship with Rain, and Ezra didn’t want to come between them. Rain visited quite a lot and he would feel that he was in the way. Josiah, on the other hand, quite often had his sister staying with him, in fact she was with him at the moment. He didn’t feel that he could impose on the profiler either.

 

He sighed and made his decision, hoping that the man he’d chosen would actually want him. “Buck, then. No offense to Mr. Jackson, but…”

 

“He won’t give a damn, Ez. He just wants you to be comfortable with whomever you prefer. I’m sure Buck would love to have you. Let me give him a call,” the profiler said as he gave Ezra an encouraging squeeze.

 

Josiah left the room and updated Nathan before calling the ladies’ man. “Buck? Ezra wants to come stay with you. Are you happy with that?”

 

“Sure, I am. JD can go join Chris or Vin as we agreed if Ezra did choose me.”

 

“Okay, I’ll bring him round soon.”

 

Buck spoke quickly to make sure that Josiah didn’t put the phone down. “Josiah? Tell Ez that the kid took the Jag back to his house after he left the saloon. Didn’t wanna leave it there. We used the spare set of keys he keeps with us.”

 

“Okay, thanks for that, son. It’s one less worry for him,” the profiler said gratefully as he ran a shaking hand round the back of his neck wearily.

 

He then wandered back to join Ezra in the living room. “Ezra? Buck’s waiting for you. If you want to collect some things from home, I’ll take you on to him.”

 

“What about Mr. Dunne?” the undercover agent asked, suddenly remembering that the youngest agent lived with the ladies’ man. How could I have forgotten that fact?

 

“He’s going to stay with Chris or Vin. Don’t you worry about that, it’s all in hand. Oh, by the way, JD took your car back home, so it’s safe and sound,” he said as an afterthought.

 

Ezra nodded in appreciation. “I’m very grateful to you all. For once in my life, I’d actually forgotten about my car. There are more important things to deal with sometimes.”

 

Josiah nodded and sighed. “I know, son. Come on, let’s get you round to your new abode.”

 

***********************************

 

At the condo, JD was hastily packing his suitcase.

 

“Got everything, kid?” Buck asked as he passed over some socks that he’d picked up from the floor.

 

“Don’t know. Told you I shoulda packed last night in readiness, then I wouldn’t have had to panic like this.”

 

Buck shrugged and tried to tidy up the room a bit, but he was fighting a losing battle. JD was busy creating even more havoc on the other side of the room in the closet. T-shirts, pants and a whole load of other things were being thrown on the bed ready for packing. “Well, you’re not going to the other side of the world. If you forget something I can bring it into work for you. You’re only staying with Chris,” he said as he watched his housemate in amusement.

 

“How long do you think Ez will be here?” JD asked distractedly as he screwed up some pants and shoved them in his suitcase.

 

“Can’t say, kid. It’s gonna be quite some time I should think, maybe a few months.” Buck studied his companion as he crossed his arms thoughtfully. Something in his friend’s tone of voice had piqued his curiosity. “You are all right with this, aren’t you? You don’t mind moving out?”

 

JD flicked his companion a look and shook his head unconvincingly. He wasn’t quite sure, to be honest, why he had to move out at all. He wasn’t going to own up to Buck, though. “No, of course I don’t. I know you and Ez get on real well and I wanna do all I can to help, too. If that means moving out then I’ll do it,” he said slightly louder than need be, as if being louder was being more positive.

 

“That’s great, then. You know you’re welcome to come round any time, too. Just ‘cause Ez is here doesn’t mean that we can’t have a boys’ night in. It’ll do Ez good to have some other company.”

 

“Okay, I’ll come in once in a while, but I don’t wanna make him feel that I want him to leave. He might feel that way if I keep coming home.”

 

Buck nodded at the truth in that statement. “Maybe you’re right, but you also don’t want him to think that you’re staying away because he’s here and that you’re not comfortable visiting. That could be worse.”

 

JD nodded, too. “We’ll just have to play it by ear.” The young agent looked round his bomb-site of a room and sighed. “Right, well, I’ll see you when I see ya. Look after Ez, won’t you?”

 

“That was my intention. Take care of yourself, kid, and call me if you want to.”

 

“Yeah, see ya.”

 

JD lifted his case and went down to meet up with Vin who was going to drive him out to the ranch. His case was too big to take on his bike so Vin had offered to take him in the larger mode of transport.

 

“Hey, kid,” Vin greeted as he opened the back of the jeep to allow JD to fling in his case. “Ready to go?”

 

“Yeah, but I’m sure I’ve forgotten something important,” JD said distractedly as he tried to think of what it could be.

 

“Well, Chris has usually got a supply of most things.” Vin studied his companion closely and saw he looked slightly disgruntled. “Somethin’ on your mind?”

 

JD climbed in the front seat and squirmed in embarrassment. He looked across at Vin who had just settled in his seat and was waiting for an answer.

 

“I don’t know why I’ve really got to leave. We’ve had three people in the loft before with no trouble. Why have I got to leave now?” JD asked feeling slightly guilty for his comments after having just assured Buck that he was okay with the arrangements.

 

Vin started the motor and pulled out into the traffic. “Well, it ain’t been for something as important as this before. Ez really needs some privacy and one-to-one help. You know what bulimia is, don’t ya?” the sharpshooter asked as he flicked a quick look at his companion.

 

“Yeah, eating too much and then throwing up.”

 

“Yeah, it’s a vicious circle. Ez is stuck in this loop and can’t get out. Buck’s gonna help him to escape, along with help from the professionals. You know what the Kilburn case was like for Ez. He’s got to come to terms with some nasty memories and it’ll be like reliving it all again. This is a real bad time for him, and he don’t need us all hanging around gawking at him.”

 

“But I’d help too.”

 

Vin sighed unhappily. “Sometimes too much help ain’t good either. It can get too confusing for the patient with too much advice from too many sources. I know everyone intends to be helpful, but it has the opposite effect on occasion. Leave Buck to it. We can always step in later if need be.”

 

“He said I could go in and visit sometimes,” JD said warily, wondering if he now should. From what Vin was saying, it sounded as though he should be keeping his distance.

 

Vin’s next words placated him, though. “That’s good, kid. Ez would welcome a change in company every so often, we just don’t wanna crowd him. Believe me, you staying with Chris is helping more than you know.”

 

“Buck said it could be for months,” JD said quietly as he intertwined his fingers and wiggled them anxiously.

 

“Well, if it is, you’ll just have to stick with it. You can’t hurry these things. You’ll still see Buck at work every day, so you won’t have time to miss him,” Vin said, picking up on the real reason for JD’s despair. Buck and the kid had a unique relationship, not quite father and son and not quite brothers, but something in between. The youngster always missed Buck when separated for any length of time.

 

“I’m that easy to read, am I?” JD asked wryly as he sat up straight.

 

Vin looked over at his companion briefly and smiled. “I know how you feel about Buck, kid. You’re joined at the hip, ain’t ya?”

 

JD nodded. “Perhaps it’ll do us good to have a break from one another. Things do tend to get a bit intense sometimes. He can be a bit overwhelming.”

 

“That’s our Buck,” Vin said as he grinned and patted JD’s knee. “You okay, now? You understand why things have to be this way?”

 

JD nodded and finally settled back in his seat. “Yeah, I see why I need to be away. I just hope Ez gets better as a result.”

 

“I’m sure he will. It’s just gonna take time,” Vin said, sincerely hoping he was right.

 

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