Eat to live2

Josiah drove Ezra to Buck’s after packing a few suitcases with supplies from home. The profiler had done most of the packing because Ezra just wasn’t concentrating and was leaving behind a lot of essentials.

 

“Hey, pard,” the ladies’ man greeted Ezra in genuine pleasure. “Come on in and help me get your room ready. Don’t reckon JD’s thrown anything out since he’s lived here. Bet if I dig deep enough, I’ll find a few dinosaur bones from when he had that obsession with Jurassic Park .”

 

Ezra smiled at the memory. “He took his interest a bit too far, didn’t he? I don’t know of anyone else who built a scale-model of the island and populated it with toy dinosaurs.”

 

“Yeah, he became a dinosaur nerd for about six weeks, didn’t he? Drove me mad.”

 

Josiah smiled at the memories. “I’ll leave you to it then, guys. Don’t want to delve through JD’s dirty laundry, which I dare say is scattered all over the place, too,” he said as he moved toward the door.

 

“Coward,” Ezra replied as he shook Josiah’s hand and patted his arm in thanks.

 

Josiah held Ezra’s hand longer than necessary as he squeezed it gently and patted the back of it with his other hand. “Call me. Anytime, son. Promise me.”

 

“I promise.”

 

Buck and Ezra waved goodbye and then wandered through to JD’s room. They surveyed the scene of devastation before them and rolled up their sleeves in readiness for the task ahead.

 

“Nothing short of a hovel,” Ezra muttered as he waded in and started throwing unwanted, or dirty, things over his shoulder into a pile by the door.

 

Buck meanwhile headed to the bed and began changing the linen. After a couple of hours’ hard work, the room was transformed into something close to habitable. The job had been very beneficial for one of the men. It had kept Ezra’s mind occupied and the time had flown by for him.

 

“There you are, then,” Buck said in satisfaction as he stood and looked at the fruits of their efforts. “That looks better. Think you can survive in here now?”

 

“I’ll be fine once the odor of ancient socks dissipates. I really do appreciate you letting me stay.”

 

“No, thanks necessary, pard. I want you here and I like your company.”

 

“Not right now you won’t, maybe,” Ezra said quietly as he shuffled from foot to foot.

 

“All the time, pard. You’re my friend and I wanna do all I can to help you get over this. We’ll take it slow and steady.” Buck paused. “You know Nate’s arranging for you to see someone at the hospital?”

 

Ezra nodded as he contemplated all the treatment he was likely to have to endure. “Yes, he said he’d call with the date and time. I admit to being rather apprehensive about going.”

 

Buck patted Ezra’s back, seeing just how unsettled he was about the future. “There’s no need, Ez. It’s their job and all they want to do is help. They’re not going to judge you or nothing.”

 

“No, I can do that all by myself.”

 

Buck shook his head gently at his friend’s words. “Come on, Ez. There’s nothing to recriminate yourself for. Your feelings show that you cared for those kids. You’ve just gotta try not to get so involved.”

 

“It’s not that easy, Mr. Wilmington,” Ezra said as he looked at Buck seriously. “I can’t just wipe away the memories of what I saw and what I did. Usually I’m dealing with gun-runners and drug dealers and I can handle that, but this case was so totally different that I couldn’t distance myself. I didn’t touch any of the children, if that’s what you’re thinking, but I still played a major part in their misery.”

 

Buck nodded in understanding. He knew that Ezra had a particular love of children and to have witnessed them being abused in such a horrendous way must have been very hard for him. “I understand how difficult it was for you, bud. Your job is the hardest there is.” Buck shrugged. “I really admire you, Ezra. You’re so versatile with the characters you play. It’s like watching a Shakespearian actor at work. You’ve got nerves of steel under your fancy exterior, but you’ve also got a heart of gold that’s easily broken.”

 

Ezra looked embarrassed so Buck patted his friend’s back again and smiled. He took one more look around the bedroom and smiled in satisfaction at a good morning’s work.

 

“Let’s go and get some lunch. Think we deserve a break after all our hard work, don’t you?” he said as he rubbed his rumbling stomach in an attempt to quiet it.

 

Ezra followed his friend along to the kitchen, feeling quite hungry.

 

“What do you want?” Buck asked as he opened the cupboards to show Ezra what was available.

 

“Could I have soup? If that isn’t too much trouble.”

 

“’Course it ain’t. Choose what flavor you want while I find the bowls. Do you want some bread with it?”

 

Ezra nodded as he picked out the can that he wanted. “Yes, please.”

 

Buck heated up the thick liquid and shared the meagre meal with Ezra. He didn’t want to start tucking into a three-course meal in case it put Ezra off eating altogether.

 

****************************************

 

Buck went with Ezra to his first session with the eating disorder therapist, which Nathan had arranged quickly. The ladies’ man didn’t go in with Ezra, but waited patiently outside for an hour until his friend emerged.

 

Ezra looked slightly harassed and worried and Buck stood up in expectation. He wondered what had happened to get his friend so flustered. It turned out that Ezra was just worried about what the answer would be to his next question.

 

“Mr. Wilmington? Before we leave, can I ask you something?” he asked in agitation.

 

“Sure ya can, pard,” Buck replied, trying to put his friend at ease.

 

“Would you be my supporter through this? I assume it’s something like an AA supporter, although I think you’re called a co-therapist which sounds much better,” Ezra asked quickly, as if he was glad to get the question out. He fidgeted from foot to foot as he waited for the answer and Buck could hear him breathing rapidly.

 

He moved to put his friend’s mind at ease and put him out of his misery. “I’d be only too happy to be your co-therapist, pard,” Buck said as he patted Ezra’s back.

 

Ezra looked tremendously comforted and Buck realized that he’d expected a negative answer. Ezra then let out a sigh of relief and smiled shyly.

 

“Would you mind talking to the counselor then? He’d like to go through a few things with you,” the undercover agent asked as he pointed into the room.

 

Buck nodded, glad that he had some backup. In truth, he found the whole prospect of the future daunting. He didn’t want to do the wrong thing, so it was good to have contact with the therapist as well. “Sure, it’ll be good to know what’s expected of me so I can help you properly,” he said as he squeezed Ezra’s shoulder quickly.

 

Ezra nodded and smiled again. “Thank you. You’ve been a good friend to me.”

 

Buck went into the office and had a lengthy conversation with the therapist, Dr Barnett. He came away laden with leaflets and other things. He felt a bit happier about the circumstances he was about to launch into, but he was still on edge.

 

The two agents drove home, both anxious about what the future held. Despite Buck’s feelings, he wasn’t going to let them get in the way of helping Ezra through the next few months.

 

Once they got back inside the condo, Buck made some tea and sat Ezra at the table in the living room. “Okay, pard. Let’s read some of this stuff and work out some kinda plan.”

 

Buck started to sift his way through some of the information while Ezra sipped his tea.

 

“Feel all right, Ez?” he asked when he saw that his friend wasn’t taking much interest.

 

Ezra shrugged. “I just find it hard to comprehend that reading a few pieces of literature will improve matters for me.”

 

“Well, it won’t if you ain’t even gonna try. These people know what they’re talking about, bud, and your therapist seemed genuinely concerned about you.” Buck indicated the leaflets. “This approach has obviously worked for countless other sufferers. You don’t get something for nothing in this life. If you wanna get better, you’ve gotta work at it, pard. Just listening to what the therapist has to say won’t cure you overnight. It’s a two-way street, Ez.”

 

Ezra rubbed his face and sighed. After listening to the therapist that morning, he knew it was going to take a long time for him to recover. It was only now really sinking in about the amount of effort he was going to have to expend to do so. “I know. It’s just hard for me to believe I will ever recover.”

 

“Well, you’ve gotta get rid of that negative attitude for a start. Let’s make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your life.” Buck held his hands up when he saw the look on Ezra’s face. “I know that’s corny but that’s how you’ve gotta think about it. Put your eating experiences in the past and start over.”

 

“Just like that?” Ezra asked as he arched a questioning eyebrow. He couldn’t see that it was going to be that easy. He guessed it was going to be like giving up an addiction, there would be a period where he would probably lapse back to his old ways. Even if there wasn’t going to be withdrawal symptoms it was still going to be hard to change what had become a way of life.

 

“No, Ez. You know it’s gonna be a long, hard road, but you don’t wanna live like this forever, do you? It says in here,” Buck said as he held up one leaflet, “that you have to set yourself reasonable targets, give yourself a treat to aim for. Whatever you do, though, don’t be too eager and bite off more than you can chew.” Buck winced. “Sorry, that was damned insensitive.”

 

“No, it was quite amusing actually,” Ezra said with a smile.

 

“Okay, let’s decide what your first target is going to be.” Buck turned to the leaflets in front of him and studied one closely as he tapped the pen he held against his teeth thoughtfully. “Right, how often do you, did you, throw up? Was it after every meal, or just once or twice a week?”

 

“At least once a day. Depends on whether I’m having a good or bad day and how much I’ve eaten, or how I’m feeling.”

 

Buck read the next section of the leaflet and looked back at Ezra. “How soon after you’d eaten?” he asked curiously.

 

Ezra looked annoyed and snapped, “I don’t time myself. What sort of ridiculous question is that?”

 

Buck narrowed his eyes when he heard the genuine anger in Ezra’s voice. The undercover agent was usually an even-tempered man. “Think, Ez. You’ve gotta crack the cycle, pard. Come on, concentrate.”

 

The undercover agent didn’t look too impressed. “I suppose generally an hour or so after. It varies, so I really can’t be sure,” he muttered sulkily.

 

“Okay, well let’s make your first target to extend that time by a little for a week and see how we get on.”

 

“Why we? It’s me that has to stop the cycle,” Ezra said as he made gestures in the air to mean speech marks when he said the word cycle.

 

The ladies’ man sighed at Ezra’s attitude. “I saidwe, because we’re in this together and you asked me to be your co-therapist. Would you rather just carry on as you have been? If so, I’ll take you home now.” Buck hated being tough and seemingly uncaring, but he felt he needed to be forceful at this precise moment. The ladies’ man looked at Ezra seriously and saw the man shake his head negatively. “All right then.” Buck glanced down at the leaflet. “Now, tell me if you think you can hold off puking for longer. We’ll see how long it is after you eat that you throw up on the first day and then go on from there.”

 

Ezra nodded as he contemplated what he’d just been asked to do. “I’ll certainly try, Mr. Wilmington.”

 

“That’s all I ask, bud,” the tall, mustached man wrote something down on the leaflet. “Okay, next on the agenda, you need to keep a diary of what you eat each day and when, or if, you puke.” Buck passed over a book and pen for him to use for that task. “Right, let’s make a list of ten foods that you feel happy eating. We also need to get you back into a pattern of three meals a day. No nibbling, or bingeing, in between.”

 

Buck found a piece of paper and waited patiently for Ezra to answer him.

 

The undercover agent just looked uncomfortable as he shrugged in indecision. He really didn’t know what he would like to eat. At the moment, everything he ate made him feel sick.

 

Buck wasn’t really sure what to suggest either, so he consulted his leaflets once more and then pursed his lips questioningly. “Well, how about pasta or a baked potato with a filling of some kind? Can you manage something like that?”

 

Ezra considered the options for a minute and then nodded before adding a few more preferences. Perhaps he could handle those sorts of things more readily than something heavier on the stomach.

 

“Great, let’s go shopping then. Need to stock up a bit, I reckon.”

 

Buck collected some money, his truck keys and the shopping list. He then drove Ezra to a nearby store and bought all the supplies that they needed. Ezra spent the time just wandering along behind his friend as he filled the shopping cart. His mind was full of how he was going to cope and what the future held for him. He certainly couldn’t concentrate on the task in hand even though Buck tried to get him to help.

 

After unpacking the goods at home, Buck looked at his watch and asked, “What do you want to eat for lunch? We’ll start in earnest on your new eating plan tomorrow.”

 

“Can I have soup and bread again, please?”

 

Buck sighed inwardly but nodded. He’d hoped the man would be a bit more adventurous, but then, at least he was eating reasonable amounts of food and not bingeing. That had to be a good thing. Buck realized that they were just going to have to take things one day at a time. “I’ll make it. You lay the table, will ya?”

 

Ezra looked at Buck incredulously. “Since when did you sit up to the table properly to eat?”

 

“Since I read these,” Buck said as he indicated the leaflets on the table.

 

“I hope you are not going to turn into an eating disorder nerd or guru, Mr. Wilmington,” Ezra said with a grin.

 

“If I am, it’s all for your benefit, pard,” Buck replied seriously.

 

That comment sobered Ezra up quickly. He knew he was asking an awful lot of his friend. It was a lot to ask of anyone. “I know, and I truly appreciate you being my co-therapist. It means the world to me.”

 

Buck smiled and went to the kitchen while Ezra laid the table. The ladies’ man returned to find table cloth, place mats and serviettes arranged neatly on the table.

 

“Hey, looks great, Ez. There ya go. Tuck in.”

 

They’d just finished eating when there was a knock at the door. Buck stood up as he looked at his watch. He wanted to take note of the time so that if Ezra did throw up later, he would have some idea how long after eating it had happened. Even though Ezra hadn’t binged, he wanted to be prepared for every eventuality seeing as Ezra was prone to be sick at any time, not just when eating large amounts. The ladies’ man then continued on his way to answer the door and found it was Josiah.

 

“Am I interrupting?” the profiler asked.

 

“No, come on in, pard. We’ve just finished eating,” Buck said as he stepped back to allow Josiah entrance.

 

The profiler wandered through to the living room. He saw Ezra clearing the table and moved to help. “Hey, Ez. Buck taking good care of you?”

 

“Yes, thank you.”

 

Josiah looked at Buck to involve him in the conversation. “The guys are going out for a meal tomorrow and they wanted to know if you cared to come along.”

 

“Thanks, big guy,” Buck said as he patted the man’s back. “I reckon we’ll give it a miss, though. We have some work of our own to do before Ez is up to eating out again. We’re gonna start our eating plan tomorrow and see how things go.”

 

The meal had really just been an excuse for Josiah to visit. He’d wanted to see with his own eyes how Ezra was faring. “I understand. Seeing as I’m here, you boys up for a game of poker? I ain’t played for ages.”

 

“That would be very pleasant. I’ve missed our companionable games, Mr. Sanchez. Haven’t been in the mood lately.”

 

Ezra took charge of the deck and dealt a hand each. The game progressed, with each player betting, folding, winning or losing. For once, Ezra wasn’t winning every hand.

 

The three men played for an hour and then Ezra started to fidget while looking increasingly anxious and upset. Buck had hoped that the card game would have distracted Ezra from feeling sick. It appeared, though, that was not the case.

 

“Excuse me,” Ezra mumbled and hurried to the bathroom.

 

“Damn good try in distracting him, Josiah, but it looks like it’s going to be a long hard journey,” Buck said before hurrying after his friend. “Ez? You okay?”

 

Ezra didn’t reply. The ladies’ man opened the door and pushed into the room. His friend was on his knees in front of the toilet, throwing up noisily. Buck squatted beside him and rubbed his back.

 

“I’m sorry,” Ezra mumbled. “It was nerves, not purging. I haven’t eaten enough for that.”

 

“I know, pard. I saw that you were looking like a caged lion. You can’t stop your feelings just like that and I don’t expect you to.” Buck gave his friend’s shoulder a squeeze. “Anyway, tomorrow is your start over day, so no worries.”

 

Ezra stood and immediately reached for his toothbrush. The taste in his mouth was vile and made him feel twice as bad. He was stopped though by a firm hand on his wrist. He looked up at his companion with a frown.

 

Buck shook his head and said gently, “No, Ez, don’t. Just wash your mouth round with some plain water.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Brushing your teeth just makes it worse according to the leaflet I was reading earlier. It rubs the acid in or something. Makes your teeth rot,” Buck said with a wince.

 

Ezra grimaced at that outcome. “Oh, well, seeing as you are turning into my guru, I’d better heed your advice.” He picked up a glass and filled it with water. He took a mouthful and then spat out the liquid when he’d washed his mouth thoroughly.

 

“Okay? Feel better?”

 

“No,” Ezra replied truthfully. The abominable taste in his mouth remained and he grimaced as he ran his tongue round his teeth.

 

“Come back out and join us.” Buck herded him back gently to meet up with their guest.

 

Josiah was waiting anxiously in the living room and he studied Ezra minutely on his return. “Ez?”

 

“I apologize, Mr. Sanchez. That was terribly rude.”

Josiah shook his head and patted Ezra’s back sympathetically. “No, it wasn’t, son. If there’s anything I can do, just give me a yell. All the guys send their best wishes and they’re all eager to help.”

 

“Thank you. I will see everyone tomorrow at work, I hope. I am at least allowed to do paperwork,” Ezra said, quite looking forward to the change of scenery.

 

“Look forward to seeing you, son.”

 

*******************************

 

The next morning, Buck and Ezra arrived at work. Ezra felt slightly embarrassed with it being the first time that he’d be seeing some of his friends since the revelations. He wondered how they really felt and were going to react. He needn’t have worried.

 

“Hey, Ez. Good to see you,” Vin greeted as he smiled in welcome.

 

“And you, Mr. Tanner.”

 

The rest of the team gathered round and took turns to say hello and put him at ease. Chris saw the undercover agent arrive and he walked to the door of his office and smiled. He watched the interaction between the men until Ezra looked his way.

 

“Hey, Ez. Can I have a word?” he asked as he beckoned the man forward.

 

“Of course, Mr. Larabee,” he replied in trepidation. He took a deep breath and walked to meet his boss. He wondered if he was going to be sent home again.

 

“Take a seat,” the blond said as he pointed to the couch. He shut the door and then sat beside his friend. “Travis has arranged a counselor to see you today. Until you come to terms with what happened with the Kilburn case, you can’t really start to recover. Your eating problem began after that, so you need to let out your feelings properly. I don’t reckon you can cure one thing without the other.”

 

“Yes, I know, but I will be discussing things with my therapist at the hospital. I’m not sure that I need to talk to more than one person,” Ezra objected, hating the thought of sharing his innermost thoughts again. It had been bad enough just talking to Nathan. “I’m going to be seeing the therapist twice a week as it is.”

 

“Do it this once and then see how you feel.” Chris nodded encouragingly and smiled. “Well, as you know, the doc has stood you down from active duty. We don’t wanna work without you in the field so we’ve volunteered for desk duty too. Travis is happy with that and we’ve got a lot happening right now. It should be just as rewarding.”

 

Ezra stared at Chris in disbelief. He couldn’t believe that the men would sacrifice so much just to support him. They usually hated desk duty. It was always seen as a demotion.

 

“I don’t know what to say, Mr. Larabee,” he spluttered in shock.

 

Chris smiled at Ezra’s reaction. “You don’t need to say anything. You know we hate working with any other undercover agent. They are never up to your standards, Ez.”

 

Ezra blushed in pleasure at the compliment. “So, what do you want me to do now?”

 

“Well, your appointment with the counselor is at ten, so you’d better head off to that now. We’ll find you a job when you get back.”

 

Ezra was met at the counselor’s office by a tall, middle-aged, kindly looking man. He led Ezra into the room and pointed to a comfy chair for him to sit in. The room was laid out like a living room in an attempt to make the patients feel at ease. There were a few small lamps scattered around that were switched on and gave the room a golden hue of soft light to create a gentle ambience.

 

Ezra sat down and rearranged the cushions on the seat at his back. He wriggled on the chair to get comfortable but didn’t settle. He felt terribly uptight as he wondered how the session would progress.

 

“Hello, Ezra. My name’s Dr. Mortimore, but you can call me Martin.” The man smiled and got straight down to business.  “Can you tell me how you feel about having counseling sessions? How are you feeling right at this moment?”

 

Ezra shrugged. “A bit apprehensive and worried.”

 

The man smiled and nodded. “Well, that’s to be expected. Let me tell you how this session will work and maybe that will help. Basically, it gives you an opportunity to talk through the problems that you’ve had recently. You can talk to me about whatever you need to. It doesn’t have to be just about your current predicament. Everything in life is linked, so if you want to talk about your home life then that’s fine, it’s all relevant.” Martin took a breath. “There may be times when there will be a bit of silence in the session. Use that time to evaluate the feelings that are produced by your memories at that precise moment, but talk to me about those feelings if you find that easier. I’m not here to judge you in any way, okay, I’m just here to help you find a solution to the problems you’re encountering. I’m not saying it will be easy or a quick fix, because I think you already realize that it won’t be.” Dr. Mortimore paused and smiled at Ezra to try and get him to relax. The undercover agent was sitting up straight and looked ready to bolt. The counselor tilted his head on one side and said, “These sessions are entirely confidential and anything you say to me will be kept just between us. If, however, you express desires to harm yourself in any way, I will take you to seek medical help straightaway.” Martin paused to allow those words to sink in for a few moments. “Now, is there anything you want to ask me?”

 

Ezra shook his head and clenched his fists. Millions of thoughts were rushing through his mind, but at too fast a rate to verify what any of them were.

 

“Okay, can you start by telling me the feelings you’ve been experiencing lately?”

 

Ezra wriggled in his chair and clenched his jaw. He flicked a look up at the counselor and then took a deep breath. He was already beginning to feel flustered and panicky. He really didn’t feel able to talk about what he’d been through.

 

“Take your time, Ezra. There’s no rush,” Martin said gently when he saw just how tense Ezra was.

 

Ezra could tell that Martin was a genuinely nice man. It didn’t make it any easier for him to talk to him, though. He still had the thought in the back of his mind that he would inevitably be judged.

 

Martin narrowed his eyes and studied Ezra quietly. “Let’s just start off with basic things, shall we? How long have you worked here?”

 

“Three years,” Ezra almost whispered.

 

“Do you have a partner who you can talk to about things between sessions? I mean a girlfriend, wife, or life partner?”

 

Ezra shook his head. These were the sort of times that he did feel lonely. There was no-one to greet him when he got home and that was what he wanted sometimes after a hard day at work.

 

“What about the people you work with? Is there anyone you can confide in, and when I say that, I mean really talk to?” Martin asked softly.

 

Ezra shrugged. “Yes, there is. Several people.”

 

“Good, I’m glad to hear that. Don’t ever hesitate to talk to them if you need to. They’ll understand what you’ve been through and as they know what job you do, it would be a help.”

 

Ezra whispered, “I don’t want to burden them.”

 

“I’m sure they wouldn’t see it as burdening them. I’m sure they’ll be only too happy to help you out,” Martin said. He knew Team 7 by reputation and was aware that they were a loyal, tight-knit team. If anyone could help Ezra through his current problem it was them.

 

“Okay let’s take things further. I need to know how you’ve been feeling. Have you been unhappy recently? If so, how has that affected you?”

 

Ezra knew he was going to have to answer the man truthfully. He had to admit that he found it easier being prompted with options to answer yes or no to, so he decided to speak. He sniffed and said softly, “Yes, I’ve been very unhappy.” He then felt able to continue now that he’d admitted that. “I’ve been feeling guilty, depressed and I’ve not been eating properly.”

 

“Not eating properly how?” Martin asked as he crossed his legs and looked kindly over the top of his spectacles at Ezra.

 

“I’ve been diagnosed with bulimia,” Ezra muttered as he twiddled his fingers nervously. He was usually such a talkative man, but he was finding this situation very difficult to deal with.

 

Martin nodded encouragingly. “Are you receiving help for that?” he asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

Dr. Mortimore nodded, realizing that Ezra needed to be cajoled into answering. Even if he answered in a monosyllabic way it was a start. Maybe after a while he would then relax enough to talk properly. If he asked open questions it might encourage Ezra to be a bit more forthcoming. “I’m glad to hear that. Have you got a co-therapist to help you?”

 

“Yes, a friend of mine,” Ezra replied fixing his gaze on a lamp in the corner and almost becoming hypnotized by it. He blinked after a few seconds and looked back down into his lap.

 

“It’s good that it’s someone you can trust. How do you feel that you are progressing with that?”

 

Ezra shrugged and took a shaky breath, his gaze still downcast. “I’ve only been diagnosed recently so I haven’t really made much progress.”

 

Martin nodded in understanding. “Okay, maybe we can talk about that at one of your next sessions when you’ve been trying for longer. I’m really pleased that you have been given the appropriate help, though. Hopefully between the sessions with your eating disorders counselor, and these sessions, you will feel your burden lifting.”

 

Ezra nodded, but he couldn’t see that talking to someone was going to improve his life at all.

 

Martin decided to raise the stakes a bit and try to get Ezra talking about what had prompted his depression in the first place. “Can you give me some of the details of the case you were working on that brought this all to a head? I need to hear the exact reasons for your depression.”

 

This was the part Ezra’d been dreading, but now the session was under way, he desperately felt the need to talk. He’d been living with his burden for so long he knew he couldn’t keep it in much longer. It seemed better to talk to Martin than to one of his colleagues. This was his time, his space and he knew he should take advantage of it.

 

“It dealt with child pornography,” Ezra said quietly as he fidgeted non-stop in his chair. He knew things were going to get worse before they got better now. There was no going back now that he’d started.

 

“In what way?”

 

“Filming children,” Ezra stuttered as images began to assault him. The little boy that had haunted him since the case ended came into his mind and he was crying pitifully.

 

“I see. Were you the one filming?”

 

Ezra swallowed as his eyes welled up with tears. “Sometimes,” he croaked as he felt the tears trickle down his cheeks.

 

Dr. Mortimore leaned over and held out a box of tissues. He leaned over further and laid a hand over Ezra’s and gave him an encouraging squeeze. “Take your time, Ezra. It must have been a very traumatic experience for you and I know how hard this is for you.”

 

Ezra took a handful of tissues and wiped his eyes before blowing his nose. He then sat quietly just staring into his lap as tears continued to drip from his eyes. His heart was beating twice as fast as normal and he felt increasing anxious.

 

“How are you feeling right now?”

 

Ezra shrugged as he tried to focus on the question. “Upset, guilty, worried.”

 

“Why worried?”

 

“What you’ll think of me.”

 

Martin tilted his head on one side. “As I said before, I am not here to judge you. Your job isn’t something where you can pick and choose what you do. You had no choice but do as you were told. You didn’t enjoy doing it and it has deeply upset you. That tells me that you are a very sensitive person where children are concerned. Would you agree with that?”

 

Ezra nodded and flicked a brief looked up at Dr. Mortimore. “Yes, I’m very fond of children and I found this case terribly hard to get through.”

 

The counselor nodded in understanding. He let Ezra have a moment or two to compose himself and then asked, “How did you feel when it was over?”

 

“As I said before, guilty. I wasn’t relieved that it was over, I just felt numb.”

 

Ezra spent an upsetting hour with Dr. Mortimore. Going over the events of the Kilburn case brought everything back to the surface again. He continued to feel panicky, trapped, upset and highly unsettled throughout the whole session. Nothing Dr. Mortimore did helped to calm him down at all.

 

The session finally came to an end and Ezra was glad to get out of the claustrophobic room. He headed straight to the restroom where he splashed his face with water and leaned over the sink as he tried to get his emotions under control. The visions of the little boy had stayed with him throughout the session and had almost been there accusing Ezra of something. Being soft, cowardly, or whatever and he’d found it highly unsettling and upsetting.

 

Nathan barged into the room and frowned worriedly. Chris had just received a call from the counselor, saying to keep an eye on Ezra because he’d become so upset during his session. When he hadn’t come back to the office, the agents had split up to look for him.

 

“Ez? Talk to me. What’s wrong?” the medic asked as he moved to stand beside his friend.

 

“Nothing,” Ezra said shakily as he wiped his mouth. He really wanted to be on his own at the moment. He hated to be seen in such a state.

 

“Your session was hard,” Nathan stated in understanding.

 

Ezra nodded and put a hand to his eyes. He was not going to give into tears now.

 

Nathan rubbed his friend’s back in comfort, feeling him trembling. “Would you rather go home? You don’t have to stay if you don’t feel up to it.”

 

“No, no, I’ll be all right. Just need to compose myself.”

 

“Okay, take your time. Go outside for some fresh air, because you need to relax and come to terms with what you've just done. The work will still be there when you get back,” Nathan said kindly, realizing Ezra’s need for some space.

 

Nathan patted Ezra’s shoulder and then left. He headed straight to see Chris who had stayed in the office in case Ezra had come back there. The medic explained that they were going to have to treat Ezra with kid gloves when he reappeared.

 

“He’s real fragile, but he refused to go home. He just need some time to himself to come to terms with what he’s just been through, the memories he’s recalled,” Nathan explained as he stood in front of the blond’s desk.

 

“He’ll be okay on his own?” the blond asked anxiously.

 

“Yes, I think so. After a counseling session of that magnitude you need the space to evaluate what you’ve said. I’m sure he’ll be fine, in a manner of speaking,” Nathan assured as he turned to head back to his own desk.

 

Ezra stayed in the rest room for another five minutes and then went outside to walk around the block a couple of times. He was glad that Nathan had suggested that he took some time to himself. He still felt shaky, upset and very jumbled emotionally. Having the fresh air and solitude was giving him the resources to think things through a bit. The session with the counselor was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. To be stripped so bare in front of a stranger was something that had been harrowing. He’d cried nearly all the way through the session, but he felt that was possibly now a positive thing. He felt slightly lighter in his mind, as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders, as the old cliché went. He’d been holding in his terrible feelings for so long it had been good to finally let go, even though the sound of himself sobbing hysterically was not something he would like to hear again.

 

He continued on his stroll and stopped off at a diner where he nursed a cup of tea at a corner table for half an hour. He spent the time people-watching, letting his mind drift to try and calm his rattled nerves. He then ambled back to the office, feeling a bit more settled. He took his seat and switched on the computer, not looking at any of his friends.

 

Chris exited his office and moved to stand beside the man. He leaned down and put a file in front of him. “Ezra? Can you work on this for me? Need it by five.”

 

“It will be done, Mr. Larabee,” Ezra agreed, glad that his boss had not asked about his session.

 

Chris patted Ezra’s shoulder, giving it a brief squeeze, before leaving the man to work.  Ezra opened the file and read the contents as he listened to the hushed voices of his colleagues. He didn’t participate in the conversation, but concentrated totally on his task. It was good to have something else to think about, if only for a short time. He finished an hour before the deadline and took the completed file back to Chris.

 

The blond beckoned him into his office and motioned for him to close the door. “Thanks, Ez,” Chris said as he flicked through the pages to check the state of the man’s work. It appeared to be up to his usual standard, which was amazing in the circumstances.

 

Chris then looked up at his agent. “Anything you wanna talk about? You know my door’s always open.”

 

“I appreciate the offer, but I think I’d prefer just talking to the professionals at the moment. It’s hard enough confiding in them, to be honest. I want to try and keep my current job separate from the past, if you understand. I think I will keep up with the session with the counselor here, too, so that should be more than enough.”

 

“Sure, but if you ever change your mind, I’ll be here.”

 

“I know. Thank you,” Ezra said as he rose and left. He went to stand beside JD.

 

The young agent looked up and smiled. “Hey, Ez. Settled in all right at the loft?”

 

“After tidying your room, yes. I don’t know how you can live in such disarray.” Ezra smiled. “I wanted to thank you for allowing me to take over your room. I hope it won’t be long term.”

 

JD reached out and squeezed Ezra’s arm. “Stay as long as you need to. I’m real happy out with Chris. I get to play with the dog and go riding whenever I like. I could live there permanently ‘cause it’s a pretty cool life. I don’t even miss town .”

 

Ezra relaxed when he heard the genuine pleasure in the tone of JD’s voice. He knew it must be hard to be forced out of his home, but he seemed to have settled into ranch life like a natural. That eased Ezra’s mind no end. “Glad to hear it, but if you ever get homesick, please let me know. I can always sleep on the couch or go home.”

JD shook his head forcefully, remembering his conversation with Vin. “Not until you’re better you’re not. Don’t worry about it. I’m happy where I am and I can stay as long as I need to. I might pop in from time to time to pick up some clothes so I won’t be staying away all the time.”

 

Ezra nodded and then said tentatively, “Maybe we could have a video evening, you, me and Buck.”

 

JD seemed very eager at the suggestion. “That’s great. I’ll stop by Blockbuster one evening and check out what’s new on DVD.”

 

“I’ll look forward to it.”

 

******************************************

 

Ezra ate a meal with Buck that evening and seemed to be coping very well after his stressful day. Buck went upstairs to check his personal emails and Ezra took the opportunity to eat some more. He stepped quietly into the kitchen and opened a few closet doors surreptitiously to see what was on offer. He found several packets of cookies and some chocolate and took them back to the living room to devour. Even though the meal he’d just had was filling, he just had to eat some more. He’d visualized packets of food on the shelves in the closets and it was as if they were calling to him to eat them. He could resist their call no longer. He even went back for more. He found some potato chips and some cake and he took those with him too. He devoured a good proportion of all the packets for comfort and then shoved them down the side of the furniture when he heard Buck coming

 

“Okay, Ez?” the ladies’ man asked when he saw Ezra perched a bit uncomfortably on the couch. He looked guilty and Buck couldn’t work out why. “Ez?”

 

“Yes, thank you,” Ezra said as he turned red in embarrassment. “I think I’ll head to bed. It’s been a tiring day.”

 

“Have you filled in your diary?”

 

“I’ll do it in bed,” Ezra said, wanting to get out of his friend’s company before he discovered what he’d just done.

 

“Okay, but give me a yell if you want anything.”

 

Buck took a seat on the couch and settled back to read a magazine. Ezra took his diary with him and sat up in bed writing down what he’d eaten and any thoughts that he’d had during the day. He was truthful in his diary about what he had eaten. He knew he had to be. He would only ever share the contents of the book with his counselor and he knew that it was no good lying to him if he wanted to get better. Lying to Buck was totally different, though, for some reason. He knew he should have owned up to eating more, but he just hadn’t been able to. Whether he’d been embarrassed at his lack of control he didn’t know, but he’d kept his lips well and truly sealed.

 

The guilty feelings played on his mind so he eventually went to the bathroom an hour and a half later and was in there ages. The ladies’ man frowned and decided to go and see if his friend was all right when he didn’t emerge. He listened discreetly for a while outside before knocking the door.

 

“Ez? Can I come in?”

 

“No, I’m all right,” the shaky reply came.

 

Buck ignored his friend’s instructions and opened the door. Ezra was on his knees in front of the toilet and it was obvious what he had been doing.

 

“Ez?”

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

Buck wandered over and knelt down beside his friend. He could see that two of the man’s fingers were wet and he knew they just been down his throat forcing him to vomit.

 

“What can I do to help?” he asked worriedly.

 

“Nothing,” Ezra mumbled unhappily as he stood up to wash his face and hands.

 

“Well, you lasted for over two hours since your meal, so that’s an improvement,” Buck said, trying to sound encouraging, unaware that Ezra had eaten since.

 

Ezra just nodded, still not admitting to his bingeing. He wouldn’t look at his friend and he just wanted to get out of the room and have some solitude.

 

“Do you think you can head to bed now?” Buck asked, detecting his friend’s need for some time alone.

 

Ezra shrugged. “I suppose so. I am sorry.”

 

“Don’t apologize, Ez. I know this isn’t easy for you and you have a pretty tough day to contend with today. I expect it was inevitable that this was gonna happen.” Buck escorted the man along to the room and watched him climb into bed. “See you tomorrow.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Buck went back to the living room and flopped down on the couch where Ezra had previously been sitting. He heard a rustling and crunching noise and he frowned. He felt down the side of the couch and pulled out the stashed food and a large pile of empty packets. He knew that he hadn’t put them there so it had to be Ezra.

 

“Oh, Ez. Why didn’t you tell me?” he mumbled to himself as he put his head in his hands. He really didn’t know whether he was going to be able to help Ezra or not. It was catching all his little tricks that was going to be the problem. Bulimia sufferers could be very sly.

 

“Lock it up, that’s the only way to try and control him.” Buck stood up and spent the next hour putting locks on all the cupboards in the kitchen. He looked in satisfaction at his work and nodded. “See if that stops you, Ez,” he said to himself.

 

*******************************************

 

Ezra wandered into the kitchen to join Buck the next morning and stopped dead in the middle of the room. He blinked and then frowned. He did a slow 360 degree turn around the room until he faced Buck once more. He looked at his friend and blushed forlornly.

 

“You found my stash?” he asked quietly, but slightly angrily.

 

Buck nodded as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Yes, so I’ve taken drastic measures. You can no longer eat anything other than what I give you, except from the fridge.”

 

Ezra looked very upset. He hated that a bit of his freedom had been taken away. He’d wanted to overcome his problems himself but now Buck was putting up barriers to force him down one road. He shuffled from foot to foot, not knowing what to say.

 

“You okay?” Buck asked, not able to read Ezra’s face.

 

“It’s just the locks. You’re pressuring me into behaving correctly and I don’t know if I can cope with that.”

 

Buck looked astonished, not having thought that he was doing anything except helping his friend. He took a moment to look at things from Ezra’s point of view. He eventually nodded and knew he would have been upset at what he’d done, too, in the same circumstances.

 

“I’m sorry, I thought I was helping,” he apologized, although he had no intention of taking the locks off.

 

“Maybe it will in the long run, it was just a bit of a shock that’s all. It angered me to start with,” Ezra said and then shrugged. “Perhaps you’ve done me a favor.”

 

“Don’t worry about it, Ez. I’ll do anything to make sure you stick to your eating plan and don’t binge. I can’t control you when you’re not with me, but all the guys are going to be told not to buy you anything extra and if they see you eating excessively they are to come get me.” Buck paused. “Now cereal and toast for breakfast, okay?”

 

“Yes, please,” Ezra said as he sat down at the table, his eyes downcast.

 

Buck studied his friend as he wondered if he’d really done the right thing with the locks. It had seemed the obvious solution to him, but now he wasn’t so sure. He’d see how things went. He could always take them off when he felt that Ezra was improving. Put a bit of temptation back in his path and see how he reacted.

 

“You okay to go to work? I can always call in,” he probed, wanting to get a genuine answer about how Ezra was feeling.

 

Ezra shook his head as he began to eat his breakfast. “No, it will do me good to concentrate on something else for a while,” he said between mouthfuls.

 

Buck nodded, pleased that his friend was happy to continue with everyday activities. “Okay, eat up and then we’ll go. I’ve made you sandwiches for lunch, so we can eat them together.”

 

“That sounds most agreeable. I’ll look forward to it.”

Ezra slowly ate his breakfast and then went to get dressed. Buck stayed outside the bathroom door while his friend was in there and he was satisfied that Ezra hadn’t purged.

 

**************************************

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